Parental separation is one of the most significant life events a child can experience. While much of the focus understandably falls on practical issues — living arrangements, schooling, finances — what is far too often overlooked is perhaps the most important factor of all: the child’s own voice, their thoughts, feelings, worries, and hopes as their family changes.
Family mediation has a unique and vital role to play in ensuring that children’s voices are heard, understood and genuinely taken into account — not just acknowledged in principle, but given real weight in the decisions that shape their daily lives.
Child’s Rights: Article 12 of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child
At the heart of this belief is Article 12 of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC) — a landmark international human rights provision that the UK has ratified and committed to uphold in domestic practice.
Article 12 states that children capable of forming their own views have the right to express those views freely in all matters affecting them, and that those views must be given due weight according to the child’s age and maturity. It goes further to say the child should be provided with opportunities to be heard in any judicial or administrative proceedings affecting them, including alternative dispute resolution processes such as mediation.
This recognition transforms how we think about children: from passive recipients of decisions made by adults to active participants with their own legitimate perspectives. Simply listening — without adjusting outcomes to reflect what children say — does not satisfy the full spirit of Article 12. The child’s views must count.
Why It Matters: The Impact of Parental Separation and Conflict on Children
Separation itself does not necessarily determine a child’s long-term outcome — it’s the way separation is managed that often matters most. Research and national guidance consistently show that:
- Parental conflict — rather than separation per se — causes the most harm.
Exposure to ongoing conflict is linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, behavioural problems, poor school performance, and trouble in relationships. Early agreement and cooperative decision-making can mitigate these risks.
- Children experience loss, fear, guilt and insecurity.
According to the National Association of Child Contact Centres (NACCC), children may feel afraid of further abandonment, worried that the separation is their fault, rejected, or torn between parents. These emotions are real and powerful — and they deserve to be heard.
- Who makes decisions — and how — affects attachment and resilience.
When children feel included in the process in age-appropriate ways, they are more likely to adjust well, feel secure in relationships with both parents, and trust that their views matter. In contrast, decisions made without listening to children can leave long-lasting emotional scars and feelings of invisibility.
Child-Inclusive Mediation: A Practice That Puts Children at the Centre
In family mediation, a model known as Child-Inclusive Mediation (CIM) enables children to have their voices heard safely and constructively. Mediators trained in child inclusion can provide opportunities for children to express how they see the world and what matters most to them — without exposing them to conflict or placing them in the position of arbiters between parents.
Best practice guidance from professional bodies in the UK highlights:
- Children aged 10 and over should be offered the opportunity to be consulted directly if they wish, with support from mediators to express their views clearly and in a child-friendly setting.
- Children deserve accurate information and a voice in any process that affects them, consistent with the UNCRC and its interpretation by the UN Committee on the Rights of the Child.
When children are genuinely heard, parents are often encouraged to think differently — focusing less on past hurts between them, and more on what their child needs.
Practical Benefits: More Durable Agreements and Healthier Co-Parenting
Research on child-inclusive practices suggests that involving children in an appropriate and supportive way:
✅ Improves the quality of agreements reached — children feel respected, and parents are better informed about what works for their child.
✅ Reduces conflict and misunderstanding between parents, because decisions are built around the child’s needs, not adult assumptions.
✅ Supports emotional adjustment and wellbeing in the short, medium and long term, especially when children are helped to articulate their feelings safely and constructively.
Listening Is More Than Just Hearing — It’s Respecting Their Personhood
The child’s voice is not a bonus feature of family mediation — it’s a fundamental right and a cornerstone of child-centred practice. Upholding Article 12 of the UNCRC isn’t just about compliance with international law: it’s about recognising children as individuals with unique perspectives, needs, and emotions. When their voices are honoured, family agreements become more stable and more humane.
As the NACCC’s The Child of Separated Parents reminds us: children’s experiences and needs are central to any meaningful family transition. Adult rights and adult conflicts must never overshadow what children are trying to communicate about their world and their wellbeing.
Final Thought
Family separation is never easy — for parents or for children. But by creating space for children to be heard, understood, and genuinely included, we move toward outcomes that honour their rights and support their long-term wellbeing. At its best, family mediation can help parents not just resolve disputes, but rebuild family relationships in a way that prioritises love, respect and the needs of children above all.
To understand more watch this wonderful video presentation created by NSPCC
If you would like to speak to one of our expert family lawyer Mediators ring us on 07843265818 or email us at hpittard@174familylaw.co.uk. Alternatively you can arrange an appointment to speak with one of our team here
